When you start your day having to call your Internet service provider to see just what is causing you to lose your connection on a regular basis and argue with them over why you've been out of commission for the last 12 hours and then have to spend the rest of your morning making phone calls to straighten out a mountain of crap, pay outrageous bills, pull disease-ridden ticks off two dogs with coats like grizzly bears, clean kitty litter boxes and do piles of laundry, the last fucking thing you need is for your dryer to gasp it's last breath mid-cycle.
Sadly, that's pretty much how my day went. Let's just say that my first glass of wine came when it was probably 4:00 somewhere, but certainly not 'round here. We'll just call it SST (Sassy Standard Time), a/k/a lunchtime for those who lunch in Assachusetts. Save the judgment, please. There's no remorse here. It was do or die!
The second half of the day wasn't a party either, what with the Dow being down 800 points and me twisting my own arm behind my back in attempts not to call and pull the plug on my dwindling life savings, because Suze Orman says I'm in it for the long haul. I'm still punching myself in the head for listening to that nut and hanging in there. She'll be the first voodoo doll I sew up and stick needles in when I've got nothing left! I'll design her a spiffy little yellow coat before I start poking away.
There were, however, a couple bright spots; such as, after I had the genius idea of pulling half of the semi-dried clothes out of the dryer, it worked again. Yes, I am an overloader, but I'm also a never-say-die problem solver after a big glass of Shiraz. Then I heard that David Duchovny was out of sex rehab, and I started scheming on how I could get him to come for a little R & R after such a rough time in his life. I just know that I can help the poor boy to overcome his demons. If there's one thing I know how to get rid of, it's demons. Maybe a little Tea voodoo doll. I kid Tea, I kid.
The brightest of the bright spots, though, was that pound of apple-smoked bacon sitting in my fridge calling my name. I knew what was for dinner tonight when I was drinking my lunch. It was going to be a BLT soul-healing, shit-fixing, attitude-adjusting kinda night. I know, I know, my bacon-loving ho's. I was thinking about y'all while that grease was splattering all over my stove and my counter. I was thinking about Becky when I ate the first five pieces before I made one single BLT. I was thinking about Heather when I piled more bacon on my BLT than I put on my husband's and my son's combined. Yeeehaaa, ladies!!! BACON!!!!!!
Shhhh. Listen closely, and I'll bet you can hear the cellulite bubbling up on my ass right now. Fuck it. It was do or die!!!
Monday, October 6, 2008
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21 comments:
Bacon! Woo hoo, bacon! We don't have it at home as RP doesn't like it. I love it and had it during three meals over the weekend when we had it. Bacon is so amazing, craving for it brought me out of a vegetarian phase so many years ago.
Let's all live by "Standard Sassy Time!" the world would be a rockin' place!
BACON!!! There is nothing like bacon to cure what ails ya! I love mine extra crispy and I'm sure that it would pair nicely with a big ole glass of Merlot. Yeah...it really brings out the....woodiness or the tannins or whatever.
Next time you need a bacon friend, you call me. I bring David and we'll ply him with big ole fat BLT's. I'm sure Tea won't mind. If he's still having some troubles, she'll welcome the break! ;)
A woman's gotta do what she has to, to get through! Or should I say she's gotta do 'who' she has to...David Duchovny...yum!
A bit of what you hanker for is better than any medication, and after a day like yours, who would blame you?
Bacon I can resist, but not chocolate, nor a wood gine.
I had a BLT for dinner last night. It was the perfect end to an otherwise bad day.
Moon: I don't eat bacon often, because I don't eat meat often, but when I do, it's off the hook!
CCG: Bacon goes incredibly well with red wine. I bet David loves a BLT served with some Cabernet, and I bet Tea won't let him eat it. We'll have to let him know where he can come for the love.
Scatter: Yeah, my medication comes in a wine glass and comfort food. What the hell is a wood gine? I've got to leave for work, so I have no time to Google it.
Badass: See, great minds think alike. Did you sketch out some voodoo dolls, too?
How about that shirt Suze had that was made from old army pants? Oh my. I could voodoo doll those pants alone and be satisfied. So...yeah...bacon. I like mine with pancakes and butter and more syrup than should be allowed by law. Once a year though 'cause of that ass bubblin' cellulite thing.
SWMBO orders BLT's all the time without the 'T'. I never realized that without the 'T' - you can taste the 'B' better. Who knew? I love that woman. And Lola, apparently you're not too bad, yourself. You 'B' lovin' woman, you.
I need a BLT and a voodoo doll right now. Please send ASAP.
God that sounds good right now. Can you send me some, please?
Everybody needs a little bacon break. Nothing soothes the soul like some crispy pig on toast. I was just bemoaning the fact that I didn't have any to put on my chicken salad sandwich. I also tried to get MJ to go out last night and get something with bacon on it. We lost all our bacon in the big blackout and I haven't replaced it yet.
Mmmmm Bacon... mmmm... did you write about anything else? 'cause once you said bacon that was all I could think about. ;)
btw: there's an award for you on my blog - you'll have to do a little work for it though - like scroll down to the bottom of my wordy post :)
Sorry - a "wood gine" is what I call a good wine when I get to the end of the bottle.
I've been singing Cher's songs in my head for the last couple of days....can't think why...not complaining though.
Vegetarian bacon, right???? lol I didn't think so.
Mongolian: I've never seen that shirt, but pretty much eveything Suze wears is hideous. I'm going to use a shrunken apple head for her V-doll.
Lou: You sweet talker, you! My son eats just the BL's as he hates tomatoes. I, however, love the T more than the B even.
Kat: I'm out of bacon, but I can whip you up a V-doll. Just give me an idea of who she needs to look like or it won't work. Oh, yeah, shrunken apple head of hand-stitched features?
Auntie: Darling, do you want the wine, the BLT or the voodoo doll or all of the above?
Heather: I knew you would understand!
Lazy: Oooh, is it an award shaped like a pig? I'll be over ASAP. Thanks, girl!
Scatter: Oh, I get it. Very nice. I've been singing Cher songs, too. Gotta love it!
Honey: I've been a vegetarian on and off my whole adult life, but I feel my best when I have what I want when I want it. Usually, I crave veggies, though. Sick, I know!
You are my kind of woman. No clock when alcohol is involved and bacon.
I am curious about your BLT's. You actually put it on bread and add veggies? Silly me. I thought it stood for Bacon, Lots Though.
...a shrunken apple head for her voodoo doll. I love you! Hilarious!
Just dab some cream on your ass tonight...it's all good!
I love bacon. And BLT's with avocado!!!!
BLTA's? Oh, Annie, that's just wrong!
great now I am thinking about draggin myself out to the grocery store at 6:45 in the morning toget bacon!
maybe it can wait & we can just have BLTs for dinner
OT: BLT's are way better than plain bacon in my book. I know, the mere mention of the greasy-ass pig meat gets people going. Sorry, girl.
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